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2:39 PM 6/22/2016

ok. here in the library. first floor in the usual pc spot. i'm just writing non-sequiters, not even bringing up the thoughts that sprung forth on my walk. my breath feels shallow in my chest. my chest, convex or concave. a belabored cistern, a shallow passage, . Hm, so now I[m at the spot, all set up to journal and I'm just writing down stream of consciousness. I am here to listen to the math lecture. and to, uh, take notes on it, and to ask for help at math lab maybe. can you believe this is my last quarter here? what an awesome end. whoo. yeah, i'm high. i smoked alot. and i tried to jerk off alot, unsuccessull, and before that I had sex. Rachel got herself off first and then I went at it rigourously but you get winded after five or so minutes and now ejaculation is happening. So, you stop. And then when Rachel goes to Dollar Tree I look up gifs on 4chan. I save some of the webm's. build a little collection on her computer before i download winzip and convert it into an encrypted folder. I'm glad that I'm here and that I don't have to do anything. i can just sit here in safety. and type away. this white square of notepad opened on the window. I'm even thinking of scrolling down when i keep writing because i have certain words < Belabored, uh, cervix, uh, all those words that people may try to shoulder read what i'm writing and i'm not all about that! Walked here straight after smoking three bowls. what are some fundamentals I'm supposed to be writing about.... write i will, i will not move on to math, yet, but, whim, i will write. and, but, i might have to wander the library a litte bit, open up a window of busy work, and, and, walk and relax and think. i'm plenty high enough to think, you would think. I do have to listen to the math lecture though. Quite it! This is blogging time, I am going to blog all about my problems, like, how I've been masturbating but haven't come, how I took a Fiber supplement this morning, and now i gotta poop but the adderall has made my poop all hard. well, i undress, and i walk around the bathroom naked, and i tense up my stomach, and pace back and forth, and then it hits me, like how corrinne used the hook method to get her poop loose, yeah, i got out a bic razor, I lubed it, and stuck it in my butt. i felt resistance, like there was something in there, I pressed on, and then i waked around with that up my butt, and still pushing, and then i pull it out, tie it in a plastic bag and through it away, i hover over the toilet, sit down and take a gigantic log of a shit, clogged the tubes, flushed multiple times and then had to use the plunger, I am good at plungering. Yeah, then I had to shower, and then i smoked some bowls in the kitchen and outside and then i put away my notebooks becaouse my backpack was heavy and then i walked here. and i've been writing since I've got here. When am I going to submit this word doc? When will i get calm. who will own my destiny. why would anyone support .


2:54 PM 6/22/2016

i was also thinking about heading down to the gym, oh, megan walked by, she's cool. aight, there's actually a ton of cute women working here this summer. sexy librarians abound! I get really into ... talking when i'm high but at the same time my throat is reedy and my breath is shallow. yeah, this writing is weird. it will be posted, it will disappear from its original source, and then it's out there. um, I've been thinking about talking to 'the lovely rabbit'. i dont know, we'll see how it goes. i think she's cool. i don't know how we'll communicate, skype? um, but, uh, well, how do i tell her how i feel? maybe i sit here and meditate. there is here, there is no where else. here is there, here is now, hear the pear, hear the cow. I just stop typing, shut my eyes and sigh. And then I start typing again so I can put myself back in the thick of it, back in somewhere real. real is on the page. I get really focuse on only a couple things. like, in my mind, there's only so many things that will happen in a day. If i think, i want to go to the library and work independently today, i will not veer from that. but, yeah, i can't think of what i'd rather be doing, but, if there was another option, if another oppurtinity or task came up, i would be pretty inflexible in wanting to do that, in accepting the challenge of the day. because challenges are hard, going out and doing stuff is hard. Rachel prayed two nights ago, she went to the interview, she felt they were rude and weren't interested in hiring her, she gets in a funk, but then after she showers she says she wants to worship and meditate and she put on worship songs and raised her hands in the air and said 'yes jesus, grant us your light jesus' stuff like that. and it was like she was in a church of three. her, me, and rosa. and god. jesus? the holy spirit? And, unrelated, she gets a call the next day and she's hired! Its the dream job! The dream location! We're moving to Yakima!

I'm really thinking about going to the gym. i really wish i had more energy right now. but, I decided to take 7.5 mgs of adderall shortly after I woke, well, i came home from running, I masturbated a bit to porn on the computer, rachel gets up, I'm like 'laundry?' ok. we put it in the washer. i smoke and stuff, feel a bit , like i might loose focus and have an accident. but i stay calm and vigilant, after we put them in the dryer I'd I was high, I decided to get out of rachels hair, I took an adderall and then walked to the library although she was pissed I wasn't helping her with the laundry. So, I come here, and I start scanning like a motherfucker. One hundred and twenty-seven notebook pages. Pushed them all up on blogger. Now I just gotta find miscallenous to scan and my old sketchbooks, scrabbooks, and journals from back home. So yeah, a seven . five around eleven am. and now it is three: twelve. yeah, that's four hours later, i could walk back and take another, it might not affect my sleep because the half life from my morning dose will keep me awake to past midnight anyway. but that means, I have to walk home. and then walk back? what? no. that's , I dont know. Can't walk home yet but I could do work, see when the group classes are, smoke and take the other half of adderall, and then go to the gym! Would that really make my heart go too fast?

aight, at the gym there is a five fifteen class on M/W and a six fifteen class Tu/Th.  we've got 'Total body sculpt', 'Yoga', Battling Ropes and Abs, and Cycle and Abs on Thursday - that could be fun. That's tomorrow, but If I really want to be a badass bitch I can, in two hours, go to the Battling Ropes and Abs class! I would have to take it not too hard, so my heart doesn't explode, especially if i head home and uh, take an adderall. in the night i can do the application, just for shits, i can finally start on my math, i could even head to the gym early. and, uh, stretch. in fact I don't think I even need that other half of adderall. it will sure make it more comfortable to go out there and work out, it will make it easless. but is it healthy? hell no it's not healthy. i get all hopped up before i gym because i feel tired and tired makes cowards of us all and so i pop a pill and then i go all in on the exercise, like, i shouldn't be keeping up with this class because of how out of shape I'm in but I am, and my hearts going like a mockingbird. not as fast as hummingbird but even bigger birds have fast heartbeats. Maybe I could sit here and download some music but that really doesn't feel like a good use of my time. Typing is a good use of my time, the more wall of text I have the more unreadable this becomes and it will only be small peices that will be cruised upon in the untimely circumstance that someone lurks through this bloggy mire. Whoo, so I really could....not take more adderall, because- don't overdo it. I want to be able to sleep tonight. I want to be able to go to the gym even though I'm not hopped up. AY! Can I really go down there in an hour, pay for ,,fifteen..group classes and then take that class, the battling rope and ab work. I mean, jesus, that's alot to ask for, it, makes me a little sick thinking about it, is my chest even in an inflated enough position to withstand brisk cardio and weightlifting exercise? Whoo. And am I smoking before I go? And I'm not going to take an adderall? Damn, well, I can always do the math first thing tomorrow. 3:24 PM 6/22/2016 DAMN. it's come back again, the faintest murmurs, my dick pressing against my shorts, the end of it dabbing delicately against the fabric of my breifs. Well, even though I didn't come earlier today, I masturbated enough and did butt stuff enough to let my cravings go away. So i had two hours or an hour and a half of peace. how am i supposed to go exercise when I'm sitting here hunched? Wouldn't it be easier to post this, go home, smoke and take a nap? Wouldn't that be painless. Do you really want to make my stomach leap by thinking about what would happen if i went to the surc gym and took part in this class. It is a breezy ninety minutes away. Ciara is the teacher. I'm going to be so high. Damn. will I drive there or be dropped off? I dont see why rachel needs to go out anywhere and there's plenty of parking there. my shoulders i so hunched though. i would have to lay down on the mat, raise my hands above my head, I might feel so tired though, i might just take a sleep on the mat and miss the whole class and i'll wake up and it's all deserted. or, i have a nightmare and people have to shake me awake. or i stink or something in gym class, or, I don't know if i can wear flip flops there. maybe shoes and short socks. yeah, that sounds like a cute idea. So, this is what constitutes us. Dreaming. Land-waves. And Back-Alley Bodegas. Amen brother. Walk home, smoke, and then drive to the surc. hmmm. we will see. with taking adderall, or without. without. because four o'clock pm is too late to take a stimulant medication.

Ok, what else do I have to chat about before I move on and walk back home and smoke and drive to the gym. I wrote about what's been happening. Tomorrow in the afternoon we are traveling to Yakima to go the HR office. I think I'll let rachel drive, I drove to and from Yakima last time. Read a book there. Or find the kindle charger tonight, nah, not going to happen. I'm reclined more back in the chair now and it feels more better, my shoulders aint as pinched, hunched, and hyper-tensed, like a ball of glue is dobbed tight in the wings of my upper arms and torso. should i stay or should i go. i  really feel like if i sit down when i get home i will not get up. and that's not what i want to happen. so, uh, I have to figure out a way. I walk home, twenty minutes. I smoke and meander, that's twenty minutes, and then I leave for the gym. That is in forty minutes, 4;15, and then when I get there I'll have a little under an hour to prepare for the class. No Adderall needed or anything. ! amazing. Uh, so yeah, that would require leaving about now. I'm sure there is something I wanted to mention which is not coming to mind but I guess I've expressed myself pretty consistenty. its 3:36 PM 6/22/2016. I am going to post this, exit, walk home, and then smoke and then straight away drive to the gym. maybe put on shoes and socks. or go in my flippies. it is probably fine and well to do that. yeah. cool. and i'm going to this fitness class tonight! I'm psyched. I'm jazzed and on that note I'll bid farewell. Mwah!