111212

    …How do I tell this story? My brother…he can’t get up in the morning. You wake up…and because of your medication you feel like, “Uh, I’m just so tired…emotionally and physically..” And you open your eyes, close your eyes and fall fast back asleep. And it feels like the most nourishing, softest, cuddliest, ..it’s like falling asleep in a mossy grove next to a warbling brook. So my parents, my dad, my dad and my mom—they always, in the morning being like, “WAKE UP! Wake up!!”, getting us up… doing all sorts of things; mom shouting, Dad- very harsh…. And, there is a prejudice because they let me get away with more than Josh. ….Josh walks by- and he’s got this… wild look in his eye. He’s got this sturdy, hunched over look… he was riled out of bed--- and I am in bed reading the true crime Mary Bell biography[Cries Unheard: Why Children Kill]….and as he passes my door he looks at me with wild, wide-saucer eyes…    And whereas I have changed medication and stuff, adapted,… he, never has. He wakes up… and he is just cranky as all hell—he hates the world. And my mom is trying to be like, “You have so much to live for!” …making him think of everything bad, imo.    Everything bad is sucked into that one small kitchen- my Dad, my Mom, and Josh in it. This is the most depraved family interaction of the day. My brother shouts and yells, “STOP TALKING TO ME! GO AWAY!!!”     His weekends consist as such: He has a horrific ‘soul-crushing’ morning that is drawn out for literally, at its worst, from 8 to 1 o’clock. Like, they’ll get him up and say, “You gotta get up! Gotta go!” And he’ll pretend to get up basically and then they’ll go off to do some errand and they’ll come back like 12:30 and they’ll go fucking ballistic cuz he’s still in bed! So, he gets up…putters around… then I hear him in his room on the cell phone- talking about making arrangements – but as far as social standing he got the short end of the stick; like, he consumes more than his money can support, so- he’s always super polite and he sounds completely different—com-pletely different – It’s like his personalities are compartmentalized – and he’ll be like, “Hey dude! What’s up, dude? What’s up! …Uh, yeah. Yeah. Etc.” Then Josh goes out and disappears for the day. I don’t know where he goes but he has been spotted at Metropolitan Market wandering around the parking lot drinking chocolate milk out of a big carton. Every day though, he comes home with one big carton of chocolate milk. One time he brought home and let me take some of one. He has been constructing this desk for the last two weeks and it just hasn’t had much progress—end of story.
    I’m equally guilty. My parent’s go away [in this case, a play] and I: surf the web 2 hours…and then, I wanna do yoga but- I’m just gonna play some videogames. So I sit and I play Katamari Damacy for… 4 or 5 hours, and then Devon calls and I’m like- I’m just caught up in the level, the sumo level, so at first I kinda blow Devon off but he’s like, “What? Why can’t you hang?” And I’m like, “I’ll call you back about 6:30,” knowing that…first I need to set up the garage(?) and get a few things done but he was persistant and I was like, “Yeah, he’s got a point, I’m gonna go out.” And then I just rushed out, got out in 10 minutes – I had to wash up, get my keys and such… and as I’m out the door- I’m always reluctant—2nd guessing, “Oh, what do I have to do now?” And then I went to Devon’s and I did more sitting around for 5 more hours.