160620

core awakening exercise routine

7:06 PM 6/19/2016

i have my ...audiotape recorder on me in case i have a note to myself and i don't have to be in front of the computer but silent typing is better right now. i ...uh, smoked when we got back from rachel's. at 5;10 i took 7.5 mg's of adderall. smoked weed. listened to music. got up and paced and thought about jesus, to try accepting hime and seeing if i felt his force as i walked back and forth the bathroom, looking at my posture, feeling that weakness in the mid back, tension in the shoulders, weakness in the thighs, tuck in of the butt, so i thought i could relate , bring up jesus to feel better, i think i got distracted from that thought tho. i want to talk about church this morning. well first of all, at wal mart, i was feeling more horny than usual. then usual lately. so that's where my head is at today. but all that went away at church. we got there early and i grabbed a drum and sat and thumped to the worship songs. i really enjoyed, it helped me connect. i went up to worship at the end. i wanted help with, prayer for: to sop thinking so much. follow the lords path. give me confidence and strenght in finding a job. but i got up there and the first thing wayne asked me is "first of all, do you accept jesus into your life" and i said "i don't know" and he said " listen to me, the only way i can help you is if you accept jesus into your life" "and i said, well..." i eventually said, I need to think about it. I want to read the bible at least before I follow my gut with what feels right for me. or what feels right in a cosmic, unobjective way. just truth, i will be lookijg for truth. because i have pride in my judiasm. and i feel like i would be letting down my dad if i converted, or more so, if i accepted jesus into my heart. at half time i talked with danni, he fixed up a backhoe which is cool. nate talked about marriage, who it's good and you get some until you don't. whoa. he was with that crazy cathy chick. they were together, married, and a few months later divorced. i talked with samuel as well. he said he started off, 1965 to 1970 as a baptist. then he went to three pentecoastal meetings and changed. he said that last year as a baptist he was crying every sunday at church. what a spiritual guy. i wonder if he spends like a time every few hours thanking god, worshiping. anyway, i'm horny. i'm hoping to get some a little after rachel wakes up. it has been uh 9 days since i've masturbated. and what is keeping me is that when i masturbate again, then when i am in my normal life, my mind fleets to wanting to masturbate. and i don't want those wayward compulsions. they are defeating. distracing and defeating, self-defeating. its 7;19 i wish rachel would wake up. i dont even want to worry about what i have to do tomorrow but i'll write it out: at 6;15 im waking up, going to sammi's, and running. that brings me to 7;10. financial aid opens at 8. ay, so, something to do in that time is breakfast, breakfast on campus. look up the math 130 book. i was thinking of buying game of thrones for my kindle on amazon. i think i'll take rosa for a walk if rachel keeps sleeping or just something to pass the time a little bit. put on a t-shirt and some shoes. typing, ah, thyping. anyway, i go running first thing. at eight i go to financial aid. i get the fourh thousand in financial aid. tell them i need to do something i need to do something because i need them to give me a decision, why would they vetoe for summer when i was asking for spring. i would rather have spring paid for because the money was distrubeted...fight for it, dont' be grateful. dont be humble. get that grant. switch it around if i have to, is that feasible, "give me spring and I'll pay for summer" ? i guess i should save this doc. i could also look what other docs are on this compute. but i also want to touch my dick so maybe i should get off the computer asap. maybe just save this because i thought about going through my old files and shit and my brain went "well, while you're on the computer why don't you log onto the internet, find porn, and get your dick off. uh, no thanks. uh, does it hurt my brain refusing temptation? why yes, yes it does. it is ....frightening. but, i can say its not distrubing its not frightening because it brimngs balance to my life, it braings happiness to my lfie. should i smoke more, that is what i was deciding. the amount of adderall i took, that has been decided, but the amount of weed i smoke, do i want to get high as of this time, well, what i'm hoping to do coming up is to take rosa for a walk and get some sex from rachel. uh i gotta get up there is no choice, get out of the house i would suspect! 7:27 PM 6/19/2016


12;04 pacing cuz i can't sleep. Let energy slide out. get tape recorder.

12;16 just keep walking, don't sit down. boiling tea.

12;30 pacing '
12;56 pacing for fifty minutes.
1;06  one hour pacing. but now i'm thinking alot about masturbating, running scenerios. Maybe just tell myself to stop? How much longer am I pacing/ when can I be able to fALL asleep?
1;11  temptation continues. a part of me wants to sit down and open up the laptop....Ay...aight, ;]when i pace for seventy-five minutes. l
1;15  I smoked. Do i still want to do it? journal afterword (I am). five thousand, two hundred and sixty-five steps.
2;19 masturbated
2;27 journaled

2:19 AM 6/20/2016

i did it. masturbated. i paced for seventy minutes and then i masturbated.

Sun 6/19/16 21;02    melatonin? audio voice? Super 8 tomorrow, financial aid, class, oil can henry's, yakima. .5 or try to sleep tonight? melatonin and sleep aid? I took a sleep aid at 9:06. no more horny thoughts. I'm moving toward the future after takaing that proactive action. Good.


next: log in to blogger.

if i can't sleep maybe i should take .5, if i can't sleep I might as well smoke. smoke and adderall. hmmm, that should keep me comfortable until I wake up at six am, go to sammis and go running. yay, running. then i'm going to , maybe pick up an application at super 8, well, maybe after the trail come to the apartment, drop off rose and get an application from motel 8, OR ELSE:: PRepare some references so I'll have them on my .... on my.... UH, yes,,, ok,,,,ok..... what am I talking about? oh well. I should talk about my day on Saturday. I helped Wayne clean out a storage unit. It was raining, pouring. We dropped the trash at the dump. We went to Mc'Ds. We went home, I felt like a nap but we went to HarboR Freight in Wenatchee, SUe, rachel, and I sat in the car and rested. Then, we went to Fred meyer and bought sausage, cheese, corn on the cob, pretzels and we ate it outside in the backyard that Wayne has made until a cool little place. man, he can create. it is borderline amazing. it's amazing. ok, i should post on blogger right? ugh, yea.

Unfortunately, although it's only been sixteen minutes, i feel like masturbating again. whooo, should i take a pill, should i take a puff, should i lie down. should i rise up? hmmm, should i flip a coin. it just seems hard getting through the night sober. it seems, uh, like I'll be sitting in front of the computer. Will the adderall actually have the opposite effect like it sometimes has and help me fall asleep? Only one way to find out. Try it. Smoke, smoke pill. It's 2;38 AM, 6/20/16.

 2:46 AM smoked and .5.
2:56 AM jogging/ pacing for ten minutes. Boiling tea. THinking: when am I going to lie down?
2:58 AM tea. tensing pubic bone. ? go to the treadmill at gym" Hmm, that is a powerful thought. Especially with my audio recorder in my jacket.

3:15 AM 6/20/2016

 i started walking toward the gym to do treadmill but then i figured i'd just walk outside. here's the thing. I masturbated tonight. and it was a spur of the moment decision and I thought it would be compartmentalized in my brain as some siesta of hanky panky. Because it effects my life immediately afterward. I have the beautiful night and the purple clouds all around me and I'll I feel, is the bugging sensation of my dick wanting to splooge. My dick shooting out thick rockets of semen. So, that's why, it's another reason not to do it: It causes suffering in the long run. Suffering because it is distracting, it is intolerable, it is mischievious, it is ornery, it has a mind of it's own, it controls me, it strips me of my free will.

So, I've been thinking about accepting Jesus. Calling Wayne and telling him why I couldn't accept Jesus yesterday. I don't know if I even believe in the afterlife.

bring the bible to school tomorrow. Uh, after class, go to , go to , after class go to Super 8 and ask when the manager is coming in and wait for him or her and also bring a sheet with references I have. Wayne Smith. Susie Hulse. Linnette Lasher. Call them up and tell them I would like a letter of recommendation, or use them as a reference. Yeah, should i Check my MYCWU and, or, change my password first, change it to Logan1986!. Star star star, star star star star star star star. Replace those stars with my password. I'm not going to post that. But perhaps, first go to myCWU and see if I have a PASS in PSYCH FOUR EIGHTY THREE ok 3:25 AM.

YES I GOT A "S" in PSY 489: Senior Assesmment, Thank you Dr. Haviland, maybe drop off another thank you card to Dr Haviland. : Y"You were a calming presence. You helped get my mind straight, or, whenever I was in the class once a week, everything clicked, what I had to do was clear, but then I would be out of class and completely avoid doing what I needed to. " ? Am I going a little bit too in depth in that? I'm just thinking what I'll put in the THank you card. Say thank you for your patience. I signed up for Sr. Ass. with you because I had found memories of you being kind in Research Methods, how you gave me that extension and that next (awesome) quarter when I started to , I started to do Jewelry, I met with her at the beginning of the quarter and we worked out a plan, a plan where I could do the assignment but  <<< WHat was I saying? Let me scroolll back Oh Yeah, Dr. Haviland said I could have about three weeks to finish it. But soon after I spent alot of my time retreating into my dorm room to masturbate, or, perhaps instead, laying in Rachel's bed in her dorm room. Going on the computer together. Having sex frequently. Tee hee hee. Poor ,, uh, Dana, yeah, poor Dana. She could here everything through the vents. But yeah, I had started Jewelry. We had to do a solder sample. I dicked around in my dorm so I didn't even turn in a finished one. This quarter, : from Winter Winter quarter 2012 or 13, it was the ... now, it was twenty-thirteen. THe begining of twenty=thirteen. And I dicked around in my dorm. No, so, the date was: 1/20/13, and I didn't spend time in the jewelry studio in my first two weeks of class, well...when it got closer to the due date I started binging in the metal shop. So the next project,,,what was it? Did I finish it. A silhoutte, yes? A silhoute that was a broach or a belt buckle. So, fast forward, the solder sample this time, in Spring 2016 (3/30/16) the solder samples were alot easier, I think I did flawless in cutting out the square, the circle, and the.... square circle and oh yes, triangle, I did a fine job with sawing. Mind you, from the first time I took Intro to jewelry, 1/20/13 to 3/30/16 is : x amount of time. And x equals: 3 years, 2 months, and ten days. WHOO! So, I thought I did great on the solder sample SHAPES, but once again, I neglected to come in when it was close to the due date because, well because, I guess... I wasn't on Zoloft yet...I wasn't even on Lamotrigine yet! Yikes! So, I was done in the dumps...I didn't want to wake up or do anything on the weekend ( I Should check my steps for that period, yeah) So I wouldn't want to get up on the weekend. When I finished Tennis and Abnormal Psych and Sr Assessment, then I would want to go home, give Rosa a walk, eat some food, and cuddle on the couch. And so I didn't go back close enough to the due date to the metalsmith shop so once again my solder sample(s) were unfinished. they were not cleaned up. They were not cleaned up to get the scratches out with sand paper. they were not cleaned up to Scotch Brite it. I hadn't spent much time with a drill add-on. What I did scarred the sample(s). BOO HOO. And then the next project was the silhoutte belt buckle. In 1/20/13,,,what did I do...I really can't remember...shoot. I don't think I finished the back on it, >>>JUst like this time, three years later. What I did was do a nice looking oval shape with a nice looking fat pig. APPARENTLY< FOR THE SAKE OF MY GRADE I SHOULD START OVER BECAUSE WHEN I >>>>WHAT IS IT< SOLDERED< SWEAT SOLDERED! I DIDN"T PUT ENOUGH SOLDER ON IT< DAM ME< AND THEREFORE DID NOT MAKE A SEEM ALONG THE EDGE> I TRIED TO KNUDGE SOME EXTRA SAUTHER ONTO THE EDGES BUT THE TOTALL MELDED UP AND OVER THE "SEAM" OF THE PIG< INSTEAD IT ROSE UP AND PAINTED THE BORDER OF THE PIG WITH SOLDER SPILL< SILVER BLOBS SHAKILY OUTLING THE FAT PORKER> AND THEN I STARTED PUTTING THE BORDER AROUND IT> THE BORDER WAS A VERY FRIGHTENING THING> BUT TO MY CREDIT I ASKED FOR HELP> AND THEY TOLD ME A TECHNIQUE : ISAAK BROUGHT IT UP FIRST< IS TO SOLDER ONE AREA OF THE WIRE TO THE OVAL> AND THEN SHAPE IT AND SOLDER AREAS AS YOU MELD IT TO THE REST OF THE BUCKLE> BUT YIKES:: I DIDN"T EVVEN FINISH MY DAMN BORDER< THE ONE I TURNED IN < I DID HAVE A BORDER ON IT> SO YEAH< SO JULIE SAID FOR THE SAKE OF MY GRADE I SHOULD START AGAIN> I STARTED AGAIN< SMALLER>> WITH MORE OF BABY PIG> I DIDN"T DO AS GOOD A JOB OF CUTTING OUT THIS PIGLET< ESPECIALLY THE CURLY Q TAIL> AND ONCE AGAIN< I FRINKING WASTED MY OVAL BACKING ___ AND MY PIGLET CUT OUT< BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN IT DIDNT SWEAT SOLDER< I THOUGHT I PUT TONS OF SOLDER ON IT BUT WHAT I DID WRONG IS I DIDNT SPACE THE PEICES OUT EVENLY> UGH> SO THEN< I UH< DID I Try TO DO IT AGAIN> ANYWAY< THE SWEAT SOULDER DIDN"T REALLY TAKE> AND I PUT PART OF A BORDER ON IT AGAIN< AND THIS TIME THE BORDER WAS EVEN MORE WONKY AND UNMANAGEABLE> AND THEN I TALKED TO CORY AND HE SAID IF I USE THE DRILL TO CLEAN IT UP I SHOULD USE THE>>> WHAT WAS IT<<<< THE MARBLE DRILL BIT OR SOMETHING< THE CRYSTAL ONE? ANYWAY< ITS A HEAVY DUTY ONE AND IT SCARRED MY PIGLET BELT BUCKLE ALL OVER< AND THE HALF A BORDER WAS BLOCKING EFFORTS FOR CLEAN UP> ONCE AGAIN>> JULIE SAID I ABSOLUTELY HAD TO START AGAIN IF I CARED ABOUT MY GRADE> I BALKED> I HAD NOT SLEPT THAT NIGHT> MY BODY AND MIND WAS TIRED> JULIE SAID: JUST START OVER: YOU HAVE THURSDAY< ONE ) FRIDAY _TWO___SATURDAY__THREE____SUNDAY___FOUR___AND THE START OF MONDAY>>FIVE> THAT"S FIVE DAYS TO FINISH IT> UNFORTUNATELY< MY DOWNFALL>>>WHY I STAYED IN BED THAT WEEKEND AND DIDN"T GO TO THE STUDIO IS BECAUSE I WAS STRESSED ABOUT THE JOB FAIR THAT WAS ON TUESDAY> WHICH I DIDN"T GO TO BY THE WAY> WHOOPS>> I COULDNT (DIDNT WANT TO) GET OUT OF BED> I WAS STRESSED BECAUSE I WENT TO CAREER SERVICES< THEY TOLD ME I SHOULD MEET WITH A GUY PART TIME AT THE LIBRARY TO WORK ON MY RESUME>>> I HAD TO DO SOME BULLSHIT LIKE REDO IT BECAUSE I USED A TEMPLATE AND TEMPLATES DONT COPY AND FAX WELL> BETTER TO DO FREE HAND> I WAS SO DAMN DAUNTED BY THAT> SO I TURNED UP MONDAY> IT WAS THE FIRST CLASS I ATTENDED>>>IN FACT I DIDN"T GO TO UH TENNIS ON TUESDAY OR THURSDAY THE WEEK PRIOR BECAUSE ON THURSDAY I THINK>>>> UH< OR MAYBE IT WAS TUESDAY<<< SHE SAID WHY WEREN"T YOU AT CLASS LAST WEEK>>? ALOT OF HW OR WHAT>>> AND I SAID "NO< I WAS JUST REALLY DEPRESSED> AND THAT WEEK WAS THE WEEK I DECIDED I NEEDED TO DO SOMETHING TO GET MY LIFE IN ORDER< TO BE ABLE TO MANAGE IT AND WHAT I THOUGHT OF WAS: WHAT WAS IT? OH YEAH< SO I WENT BACK ON LAMOTRIGINE> I HAD A TENSE TALK WITH JULIE< WAS IT MONDAY>>> NO IT WAS WEDNESDAY BECAUSE SHE PASSED BACK THE BELT BUCKLE< MY FAT PIG< WITH NO BACKING> I GOT AN F ON IT> I TRIED COMPLAINING_ BEGGING >>> I SAID " I DONT LIKE HOW JEWELRY IS GRADED! IF YOU GET THE PROJECT HALF DONE YOU DONT GET A FIFTY PERCENT< YOU GET A ZERO< AND THAT IS AWFUL TO YOUR GRADE ESPECIALLY ON SOMEONE WHO DOESNT HAVE THE ENERGY ALOT OF DAYS< OR SOME DAYS < TO COME IN<  I WAS REALLY DEPRESSED> MY DOCTOR PUT ME ON BIPOLAR MEDS> I WAS OFF THEM >>> I WAS REALLY DEPRESSED (( I CANT MAKE RATIONAL < LOGICAL < FORWARD THINKING CHOICES WHEN IM IN A PIT OF DESPONDENT NUMBNESS< I CANT DO THE GOOD THING AND EMAIL JULIE AND EXPLAIN WHERE MY HEADS AT>>>> WHEN I WAS ARGUING WITH HER< OH YEAH< I SAID I DONT LIKE THE GRADING AND SHE SAID " I HAVE TAUGHT JEWELRY EVERYWHERE> THAT IS ALWAYS HOW ITS GRADED> AND WHEN I BROUGHT UP MY TROUBLES JuLIE GOT CHOKED UP> HER EYES DABBLED IN TEARS A LITTLE BIT>>> AND THEN SHE PUT UP HER BITCH SHIELD AND SAID MY SOLDER SAMPLES WERE PATHETIC< THEY WERE POORLY DONE OR SOMETHING AND THE WIRE STICKING UP FROM THE CIRCLE WAS ALL BENT>>>> AND THEN SHE SAID THAT I HAD FIVE DAMN DAYS TO FINISH MY BELT BUCKLE> WELL IN MY MIND< I BIT OFF MORE THEN I COULD CHEW< BECAUSE I THOUGHT I COULD START AGAIN AND MAKE AN A WORTHY BUCKLE> BUT I"D ALREADY PUT A HEARTBREAKING AMOUNT OF TIME INTO MY FIRST TWO PIG BELT BUCKLES>>> I EVEN STARTED CUTTING OUT THE SILLHOUTTE FOR MY THIRD BUCKLE< IT Was JUST A GENERIC SIDE PORTRAIT OF A YOUNG MAN> THE NOSE I KINDA CUT OFF THOUGH<>< SO THEN I WAS LIKE< WAH< I GOTTA START AGAIN, NEVER REALLY SINKING INTO ME THAT " HELL WITH IT" I"LL JUST GO WITH MY FIRST ONE< IT ACTUALLY HAS A COMPLETE BORDER> THE PIG SILHOUTTE IS EASILY READABLE ____ALL I HAD TO BLOODY DUE WAS TO PUT A CLASP ON THE BACK>>> AND UH<<< TWO HOOKS WHICH THE THIN WIRE < WHICH WAS ON THE TEACHERS DESK< RUN IT THROUGH THE TUBE AND TQWINGE IT SLIGHTLY AND PUT IT UNDER THE HOOKS> AND DAMMIT> I MISSED THAT CLASS SO ON THE WEDNESDAY CLASS>>> >OR< WAIT<<< IT WAS THE DAY IT WAS DUE< PERHAPS? BUT I ASKED HER TO DEMONSTRATE WHAT I MISSED IN MY WEEK OF DEPRESSION >>>> OH< THE CLASS I MISSED WAS ACTUALLY THE WEDNESDAY CLASS AFTER THE MONDAY CLASS WHEN THE BUCKLES WERE DUE<<< YEAH< I MISSED THE JOB FAIR THE NEXT DAY<<< I WANTED TO PASS OUT MY RESUME< MAYBE SIGN UP WITH COSTCO> BUT MISSING IT<<< IT OPENS UP POSSIBILITIES NOW> HOPEFULLY I WILL GET THE HOUSEKEEPING JOB AT SUPER 8 AND RACHEL WILL GET THE SOCIAL STUDIES JOB AT WASHINGTON MIDDLE SCHOOL IN YAKIMA> THEN WE CAN MOVE TO A RENTAL HOUSE OR APARTMENT IN YAKIMA< SELAH < OR NACHES> THAT"S WHAT THE FAMILY IS SET ON> MAYBE IT WOULD BE DOPE TO EXPLORE THE ARWEA< AFTER RACHELS INTERVIEW AT TWO THIRTY TOMORROW. class lets out at ten twenty. and then i'm going to super 8, i think i'll shave after i drop off sammi and come home, i will shave, see what shave i would like, maybe ASK SAMMI FOR input,,, maybe even shave tonight...experiment,,,should i take the buzzer to my mustache? or should i put a gaurd on it and shorten it,,, that seems kinda hard to do... i have that little mustache comb.... so, i could shave tonight, i am awake and just journaling,,, sHAVE AND COME BACK TO WRITING YOU KNOW. THIS IS AN EPIC WALL OF TEXT AS I HAVE IT. I WONDER IF THAT MAKES IT EASIER OR HARDER FOR ME TO READ WHAT'S ON THE PAGE. ON THE BAD SIDE ITS ALL MASHED TOGETHER. ON THE GOOD SIDE  IT IS MORE CONCISE. THE INFORMATION IS JUST A STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS RAMBLING SO DO I REALLY NEED TO PARCEL IT OUT? MAYBE I SHOULD A LITTLE THOUGH\. OR MAYBE CHALLLENGE MYSELF TO READ THROUGH IT BY KEEPING IT A NEARLY IMPENETRABLE TEXT WALL. TRY TO GET OVER THE TEXT WALL, YOO HOO. WELL, IF I'D LIKE TO RECOUNT THE LAST OF JEWELRY.... AIGHT... AIGHT....THE NEXT ASSIGNMNENT WHEN I TOOK THE CLASS THREE YEARS AGO,,,THIS TIME THE NEXT ASSIGNMENT WAS A TWO DIMENSIONAL WIRE DESIGN, A DESIGN THAT WAS EITHER CLASSICAL, NEO MODERN, OR CITYSCAPE. DECOLAGE MAYBE ...OH, ART NOVEAU, THAT'S THE STYLE I CHOSE. AND I WORKED MY ASS OFF ON IT BECAUSE I WANTED AN A. OR A B. TO MAKE UP FOR THE ZERO AND THE C PLUS. SO IT TOOK ME AWHILE TO THINK OF MY DESIGN. JULIE KEPT ON WANTING ME TO GO TO THE LIBRARY AND LOOK AT, STUDY THE ART NOVEAU PATTERNS AND ARCHITECTURE. WHAT I CAME UP WITH, IN A MOMENT OF INSPIRATION IS TO PLACE WIRE SIDE BY SIDE, MAKE A SQUARE SHAPE, A PERFECT SQUARE, SOLDER THEM SIDE BY SIDE, SO THEY ARE ALL ATTACHED, THE FIRST TIME I DID IT WITH PRECISELY MEASURED SNIPS OF WIRE, ABOUT TWENTY OF THEM. WELL, THE FLAMMER TURNED A PURPLE OR GREEN COLOR, I ENDED UP TELLING KIETH, AND I TOLD HIM THAT THE TORCH FUCKED UP MY PROJECT. IT ALL FELL APART, THE WIRE SNIPPET WALL IN A SQUARE. THEN, I WOULD SAW OUT A CIRCLE FROM THE SQUARE. AND THEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CIRCLE I WOULD DRILL IN AND THEN SAW A SQUARE IN THE CIRCLE SO IT RESEMBLED A YEN COIN. THE SECOND TIME I SNIPPED THE WIRES I WENT SMALLER. AND LESS WIRES. WHOO, I LOVE WRITING ON ADDERALL. yeAH, I FILLED THE CIRCLE'S EDGES REALLY SMOOTH WITH THE BASTARD MILL. THEN I DRILLED A HOLE AND FUCK! THE SQUARE WAS NOT IN THE EXACT MIDDLE. SO I TRIED TO ADJUST AND ADJUST. IT WAS JUST OFF CENTER. AND AT FIRST, THE OUTSIDE \DESIGN WAS TO BE FANCY, HAVE A CHAIN OF , A CHAIN OF , A CHAIN HANGING DOWN. PB\BUT WHEN THE CLOCK TICKED I MADE A STRATEGIC DECISION. I DECIDED TO MAKE A CIRCLE AROUND IT WITH THICK WIRE SO IT WILL BE STURDY AND HALF A SQUARE ON\, ONE ON THE UPPER LEFT OF THE CIRCLE, THE OTHER ON THE BOTTOM RIGHT, HALF SQUARES OF BIG WIRE CONNECTING THE CIRCLE TO THE OUTSIDE CIRCLE. UNFORTUNATLEY, SUCH THICK WIRE TAKES A LOT OF HEAT DISTRIBUTED BY THE TORCH TO GET THE SOLDER TO FLOW, AND UNFORTUNATELY, THE SOLDER HOLDING THE WIRE WALL TOGETHER MELTED AND SLID A DIRE MATTER OF MILLIMETERS TO THE RIGHT, SO IT WAS A SIDE STICKING OUT ON THE CIRCLE. I WAS LIKE OH DAMMIT. I DID THE CLASP AND I KICKED ASS AT THAT ALTHOUGH I WASNT THINKING AND CHOSE COPPER WIRE TO MAKE IT WHICH IS SOFT. I DIDNT GET THE HALF CIRCLES ALL OF THEM, ONLY ONE HALF CIRCLE, OR, ONE AND A HALF? BUT WELL, AT LEAST ONE OR TWO HAD TO BE HOLDING THE YEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE THICK WIRE BORDER PEICE CIRCLE. I PAIRED UP WITH THE BURLY SOCCER GUY WITH THE SWIRLED FAT FAUX HAWK HAIR, A GUY I WASNT REALLY FRIENDLY TOO BEFORE BUT WAS FRIENDLY IN THE CRITIQUE, HIS PEICE WAS AMAZING, IT REMINDED ME OF 1920'S NEW YORK CITY, INDUSTRIALIZATION, THE CITY SCAPE, AND THE NECKLACE WAS HIGHLIGHTED WITH SOME WING FIGURES. MINE, WELL, I SHOWED IT, I SAID I MADE MISTAKES THAT I WOULD DO DIFFERENTLY AND THAT IT WAS A LEARNING PROCESS. AND I ACTUALLY GOT A NICE OLD B GRADE OUT OF IT, I THINK. bUT THEN THERE WAS THE NEXT PROJECT. THIS IS THE PROJECT THAT WAS FORMERLY THE CANDLEHOLDER PROJECT, ALL THE EXAMPLE WERE OF CANDLE HOLDERS, BUT JULIE WANTED US TO DO MORE OF A FREE FORM, THREE-D, WIRE STRUCTURE. BASED OFF A HENCKEL ANATOMY DRAWING. WHICH ARE AWESOME BY THE WAY BUT I AM JUST A PLEEB, NOT SOME TRAINED TO THINK ARTFULLY LIKE THE MYRAID OF ART MAJOR STUDENTS. SO I DONT KNOW HOW TO TRANSLATE IT, I SKETCH ON THE BACK OF A BIG POSTER THAT WAS IN THE RECYCLING, I DOODLE WHAT IS A CIRCLE THAT CONSISTS OF CONNECTED OVALS. I ASKED JULIE HOW TO FORM THE OVALS. SHE WAS GOOD AT FORMING CIRCLES AND OVALS BY ADJUSTING AND SMACKING IT ON THE ANVIL TO SHAPE IT, PUTTING IT ON THE RING FORMER TO APPROXIMATE IT, TURN IT  AROUND AND HAMMER DOWN THE PARTS THAT STICK OUT. SEE, THATS THE PART OF JEWELRY I REALLY SUCK AT. AT THIS POINT I WAS DECIDING WHETHER TO WITHDRAW,. I WAS GOING TO WAIT IT OUT AND ATTEND JEWELRY CLASSES UNTIL THE DEADLINE WHEN I HAD TO MAKE A DECISION. I WAS HAVING SUCH A BRUTAL TIME WITH THIS THREE-D WIRE PROJECT, I WAS EXHAUSTED FROM THE ALL NIGHTER I PULLED TO FINISH THE NECKLACE, THAT WAS WHEN I TOOK ADDERALL AGAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME, THE NEXT WEEK, MONDAY EVENING \\,, SIX DAYS LATER, I TOOK ANOTHER HALF A THIRTY ADDERALL I HAD LAYING AROUND. MY BODY WOKE UP. MY BONES AND TENDONS AND LIMBS AND WAIST START MOVING ON THEIR OWN, TO THEIR OWN BEAT, I SMOKE AND ADDERALL AND LISTEN TO MUSIC, I COME OUT AND DO THE DISHES. THE MONDAY NIGHT WHEN I STARTED PREPARING MY PARAEDUCATOR PRESENTATION, THAT WAS AWESOME BECAUSE I WALKED AROUND AND BRAINSTORMED MY EXPERIENCES AS A PARAEDUCATOR AND I JOTTED THEM DOWN. THEN I WENT TO MC'DS AND ORGANIZED THE SECTIONS AND HAND WROTE OUT THE THINGS I WOULD SAY. THE NEXT MORNING I, WELL I SHOULD MENTION THAT ON SUNDAY RACHEL IS THE ONE WHO GOT ME STARTED, SHE CAME TO THE LIBRARY WITH ME AND SHE STARTED RESEARCHING, SHE SAID, HOW ABOUT YOU DO IT ABOUT PARAEDUCATING, YOU ALREADY KNOW ABOUT IT, I WAS LIKE, EH, I'D BE GIVING AWAY PERSONAL INFORMATION TO MY CLASS IN A WAY, BUT I WAS IN A DESPERATE WAY AND I COULD BULLSHIT MY WAY THROUGH A TEN MINUTE PRESENTATION TALKING ABOUT MY EXPERIENCES. SO I WENT IN AT NOON AND AFTER VIVIANA, NOT VANESSA, THE CUTE CHUBBY MEXICAN CHICK WENT FIRST, AND I PRESENTED NEXT AND I MIGHT OF TALKED ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES, I LOOKED AT THE CLIFF NOTES OF MY POWERPOINT FOR MOST OF THE PRESENTATION, ON ACCOUNT THAT I CANT FOCUS AND LOOK AT A CROWD OR A PROFESSOR AT THE SAME TIME, MY PRESENTATION DELIVERY IS WHAT I GOT AN UNSATISFACTORY ON ON THE RUBRIC, OUCH, GUESS I COULD WORK ON THAT. IT'S KINDA MY WAY THOUGH. WHEN I WENT UP THERE TO PRESENT I FELT TINGLY IN MY BACK. IT FELT GREAT. AND DR. HAVILAND SEEMED TO ENJOY IT. AY, I AM EXCITED AND SCARED TO GO INTO FINANCIAL AID TOMORROW. HAVE MY TALKING POINTS READY. IT SAYS I OWED FOUR THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED. I GOT THIS EMAIL THAT SAID YOU APPEALED IT... APPEALED IT ONLY FOR SUMMER THOUGH. I CANT SIGN UP FOR CLASSES BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY I CAN GET MY BALANCE TO UNDER FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS IS IF I TAKE A LOAN. AND THAT TAKES TIME TO DO, I HAVE TO GET MY PARENTS TO CO-SIGN IT. AND I NEED TO TAKE THIS CLASS. I WILL NOT HAVE THE OPPURTINITY TO TAKE IT AGAIN. SO PELEASE GIVE ME MY SPRING 2016 FINANCIAL AID. I LOVE ADONAI AND I WILL LET GOD'S PLAN TAKE OVER. IN YOUR HOLY MIGHT NAME AMEN.

IVE BEEN THINKING TODAY, EVER SINCE I WENT UP TO BE PRAYED FOR AT CHURCH AND WAYNE SAID BEFORE HE PRAYED FOR ME I NEEDED TO ACCEPT JESUS AS MY SAVIOR. WHA//21.!>? WHA?! YOur'e going to put me on the spot like that. i can't just say i do when i haven't come to terms with it yet. i can't just say i accept jesus into my heart when i have reservations, i'm afraid i will dissapoint my dad if I convert to christianity. His Jewish identity is very important to him. He sees Judiasm as the right religion. he converted to judiasm, he took special classes with a rabbi in order to become jewish. he was jewish by the time he married my mom. so that is so engrained. and i just don't feel the holy spirit in my body. i would like to, i would like to have that faith and that blanket of spirituality to guard you, but i'm too intellectual, too much in my head. but i did, i took a walk and i asked for jesus, i asked if he would enter my heart, i was looking for a feeling of joy, for tranquility, for renewal, i continued to walk, i felt calmer thinking about but i didn't feel the sign that I felt Jesus' presence. I kept walking and I would get distracted and think about something else. So, at this time, the jury's still out. I value my Judiasm and there's certain things that distinguishes you as a jew. and one of those things is the belief that the afterlife is a hazy concept. there is no heaven or hell or blessed or damned per say. we don't dwell on life after death. what is important to us, as jews, is to live every day to the last drop. live your heaven on earth. be your best person. and then you can pass and know that you lived a righteous life and you lived your life as your '|" best self ""' Ay, i am tired from typing... submit this into blogger/ AIght.

4;46 AM.

in a few hours,, in 90 minutes, i am going to get rosa and pick up sammi and run the trail. ninety minutes? should i shave... the only  thing i know is i should get away from the computer. shaving may be able to get my mind off horny thoughts, plus i wont be sitting down, but i kinda want to read a sample of this entry, journal entry, see the emotional empathy the block text illustrates. I could shave. I could smoke more, I could shave then smoke more. I could shave, smoke more, lay still and meditate, pray, explore if there's Jesus, I''d like there to be, wayne sure believes, he expresses it. the expression of Christ through Wayne is probably the most damning proof of evidence that extols the virtues of Pentacostal-ism. So I will see if I ask, what do i want to shave. I kinda want to just lay down and diddle with my fiddle, schwang my wang. uh, Shaving is not what i want to do, shaving is what i am going to do after my run and before i go to financial aid, read the bible in boullion and attend my nine twenty class at bouillon room 110. then, then, then, i will get the book i need. and then, Oh YEAH, have my references and go to SUPER 8. This will be at 10;30. Bring my resume, find my references. Wayne Smith, Susie Hulse, Linnette Lasher. Aight, That's three. Wrangle up there numbers. List them now and ask permission later! After my impromtu interview with the manager. I'm a man, i have that going against me because because of a former creeper male cleaner, the women feel unsafe. i'm hoping i can assuage  all that and be the man for the job. Say, in september we will be moving to yakima and I will look for employment closer to home but I could foresee myself still making the commute to work here at super 8 in ellensburg until i get a job settled. the neighbor upstairs is playing some bassy tune. Ok, submit this. Have I spoken everything? I've got a title now. Oh yeah, put a timestamp. its 4:54 AM. Six/Twenty/Sixteen.

So, upcoming: I'm not going to shave |. I 'm going to smoke. and I'm going to ??Exercise?? Or I could go to McDs and read Operant conditioning or read the Bible and try to feel the holy spirit. That sounds pretty boss actually. I'll smoke, cool down, put my bible in my backpack and drive to mc donalds. get an orange juice. read the bible. try praying to jesus. try praying to adonai. see if i can speak in tongues under my breath while i'm sitting in a booth at mcdonalds. that would be strange for the lone other patrons if they heard snatches of my gibberish whispers through the air. Then I will head home, I'll turn my alarm clock off right now, but i]ll come home, collect rosa, and collect sammi. then i'm going to shave. at eight i'm meeting with a financial aid counselor. next I read and then go to math 130 class, and then I go to Super 8, then i talk to the manager, i go home for lunch, head out and go to oil can henry's and then yakima. what is the price at oil can henry/s"?