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2:55 PM 10/7/2014
.5 add.

glee appt on 10/15. todays monday 10/6. glee appt in one week, 1.5 days. i am sitting here chilling, meding. patio. perfect temp, even for barefoot. im

going to rectie this spiritual qualities prayer:

2:57 PM 10/7/2014 By Thy sovereignty, O THou Who art glorified in the hearts of men! I have turned to Thee, forsaking mine own will and desire, that

Thy holy will and pleasure may rule within me and direct me according to that which the pen of Thy eternal decree hath destined for me. This servant,

O Lord, though helpless turneth to the Orb of Thy Power, though abased hasteneth unto the Dayspring of Glory, though needy craveth the Ocean of

Thy Grae. I beseech Thee by Thy favor and bounty, cast him not away. Thou art verily the Almighty, the Pardoner, the Compassionate. 3:02 PM

10/7/2014 3:03 PM 10/7/2014
im thinking that while im sitting on my patio right now, left heel up and in the seat of the chair, chilling, meditating but also thinking about priorities... and

rosa's sunbathing in the parking lot, slap dab middle on the third spot from the end. 3:06 PM 10/7/2014 im thinking, whiel im sitting here, what points

do i want to share with glee, i will list them off in no particualar order... but my brains kinda tired-lol- and, well, well nothing! 3:07 PM 10/7/2014 i

walk into the office at 8am. Glee: ?So! How have you been? Me: Uhhhhh, so-so. lol yeah, thats what im going to say. Me: the reason i didnt see you this

summer was because of anxiety... basically yeah..? yea... yeah.... LOL, the neighbors downst

3:28 PM 10/7/2014
 to cope, i am obviously just chanting/typign prayers, being open in my interactions (as such Marcus), and sitting out in the driveway and being open to

the moment- i was looking for a sign to know when i was open to the moment...the wind blew softly the ygold leafs across the black parking lot.... and it

was like a movie and i was like, ok, this is it. this is it. 3:30 PM 10/7/2014 i need to be ok in the moment. if not ok, aware. now that ive calmed into it, i

can be ..feel not ok, but still be open to the moment and not flinch....actually, i feel pretty darn at ease at the moment..so its hard to say whether i would

be ok with being open even if i was feeling how i felt this morning. 3:32 PM 10/7/2014 is journaling the precursor to telling my tale to glee- it

would certainly be thorough--- wouldnt i be able to paint my situatiion in broad strokes even without that cumulative info? basically, anxiety... and without

structure i just kind of collapse (name specifics) but as of now, as of current, with the structure of my classes i am coping. im not doing spectacular but i

am doing ok but i do get thrown off by weekends away...so, eventually, i would like to stop adderall- becuase it is such a double edged sword -- i don't

don't think i'd be able to devote even half of the brain muscle i need to conquer my complicated work BUT with it.... it morphs me into a braindead

zombie ...50% of the time, probably more-- why? because it stresses my body out being on it.! tahts why subconsciously i just collapse if i dont HAVE to

do something a priority. 3:37 PM 10/7/20143:42 PM 10/7/2014 took rosa to bella, talked to James.
3:43 PM 10/7/2014 3:45 PM 10/7/2014 ill put computer, keyboard, bahai prayer book back in the apt. then ill put on flipflops and walk rosa to the creek.

when rachel gets home, we can talk- chit chat but then i probably gotta go to Hebelar. probably maybe definitely.... or at least the library so i

can start reading the textbook! math, math lets say i leave until 9pm. then ill read ch 2 and review the notes. ffkbefore... 3:47 PM 10/7/2014 before i go to

Hebelar I want to take a shower and make something for myself to eat such as PBJ.   ... i feel like i should SHOULD go shopping at fredMeyers to get

chicken luncheon meat with Rachel when she gets home in an hour... but perhaps not, it would be better if she goes by herself- and i, already

showered and ready to go Go to Hebelar and start work working on my Prog 1 lab. DUN DUN DUN. aye, i was going to take rose for a jog. a walk. i was

gonna, then shower and prepare.... bUT 3:50 PM 10/7/2014` but also, i never really wrote what i was going to write to Glee... how i need to constantly

struggle to keep my head calm and leveled and not fretting about mundane upcoming tasks with no self-confidence. of course, i need to mention to her

my smoking habits. when i get home from school before or after lunch and in the next few hours of downtime i smoke 0 to 3 more times. then rachel

gets home and i help her make dinner or do hw or we watch BBAus. 3:53 PM 10/7/2014 and i went to the DR and they wanted your verification in

so they can have accountability if the state or feds ever autit them. I also need a release of records to my new Eburg dr because i want him to do a

general check up and i want to see if he can ok me to see a psychologist or something,,, what i want to try a "guided- transitional 'face your phobia' real

life thingin. 3:57 PM 10/7/2014v 3:58 PM 10/7/2014 rosewalk.
4:01 PM 10/7/2014 actually, not yet for rosewalk. note: when i get to HB i am going to be self confident. i am going to sit there stoically with a wise

mind and formidable spiirit. i am going to use mnemnonic devices to understand the complex framework that builds these programs. i am going to talk

openly and candidly with my classmates working on the same project. i will unabashadly ask to see snippets of their code. 4:03 PM 10/7/2014

rosa finished her food from this morning finally. am i going to take her for a walk? then feed her when we get back? i am leaning back and its initiating.

other ideas of alt pathways for the moment 4:04 PM 10/7/2014 i could a) rosewalk, or b) prepare myself a PBJ. or c) meditate right here, now. c)

4:06 PM 10/7/2014 baruch atah adonai, eloheinu melech haolam, homeitzi lechem min ha-aretz, ah-ah-men. 4:06 PM 10/7/2014 im kinda

hungry atm just as Rosa is.. there's several chores i should attend to- vaccuuming and steamcleaning the carpet  of course. cleaning the kitchen so

rach can make meatloaf. 4:07 PM 10/7/2014 i am hungry Now and as such, should : feed rose more, heat up more stuffing, and while its heating,

make a PBJ for when im working in HB this evening. INitiation, but no... im content wtih doing the lastt line worth of prep//eat. 4:09 PM

10/7/2014 init- no don't cuz i thought about if for a second but got the afterglow in my system anyways without any of the overwhelmnation... rosa wants

out, ok, gonna do that athen warm up stuffing and make pbj. 4:10 PM 10/7/2014
4:58 PM 10/7/2014

HIL RACHEL BOO ! _ !

I just called to say I love you :) lol. j

maybe i should eat some stuffing... or maybe i should exercise first, run around and do stretches-- then  i can get sweaty so i can take a refreshing cold

shower. and then 5:01 PM 10/7/2014

5:12 PM 10/7/2014
i was throwing the frisbee around in the backyard. in the backyard area cuz there's two cars parked on our side of the lot.... so i got some good

exercise. 5:13 PM 10/7/2014 im sitting here on the stool right now so thats good exercise... im going to oh, rosa came in from outside. i am going to

east some stuffing with a sdie of huckleberry jam. then ill build a light sweat... maybe...even go to the trtaiL? NO, no, just jog and stretch a little... try to at

least -lol- ..then take a shower and regretfully....regretfully....i am off to HB. dum . dun.   duuuuu- n. 5:16 PM 10/7/2014 sigh:: i guess im kinda

stressed at the idea of leaving my nest for 2-4 hours and ::wow, my posture feels ,...quite decent right now! Hallelluya! i mean, im slouclhed but my

backs not hurting kinda thing... its not numb it feels ok. q when am i going to eat. i need to email this doc to myself so  i can glean info from it at

HB -- in between working on Proj 1 ill be journaling and working out my story ::dude with sweet shirt skateboarded by: im still kinda slouched but i

started to feel pain , brought on by stress from mean looking chick walking by... i am so sensitive, i feel like a weenie. I JUST WANNA LIVE, DAMMINT!

sigh. anywho, yep, gonna eat some stuffing and jam, exercise, shower, go to HB. yup.