why i'm here:the genesis: summerQuarter '14. --despite having difficulties comprehending the subject matter of my classes - i made a grand stand the last final weeks of july/the quarter, i pooled my resources and ultimately got respectable grades in my two summer classes.
so, the month of august until mid-september- i had no responsibities. in response to the built up stress from the school quarter or maybe just the laziness at my core -- i did nothing of note the entire month.
i just crashed the month of august, so i sought help, and then things started hitting the fan. And the more i felt hopeless and whenever a roadblock presented itself it would get worse.
The last several weeks...since Tuesday Nov 4, things have been better and my outlook has shifted back to mostly optimism.
it's better now 1) because i was honest with rachel about it and wasnt fooling her no more so it gave me more accountability and 2) she put a password on my laptop. and her laptop. ---------
?'s
1)what is your take/view on meds.
2) what do you know about brain functions/ can you lead me toward the info.
2b) why would adderall inhibit socially, inhibit conversation in particular? For me, my internal dialogue is going but even that-- it's like --as far as conversation topics...I have nothing. Mostly, i'm thinking about 1)how im feeling or 2)what i need to do next.
3)i was thinking about groundhogs day...bill murray, he started off a pessimistic dick but through the power of the movies/ sheer time-loopedness, bill showed us that there's room for change, there's room to grow. But: what if a person with some mental health issues was in that situation? what if it was the agoraphobic Howard Hughes in that situation. Howard spent months at a time locked in one room in his mansion, pissing into bottles and getting food served to him by his butler via slot in the door.... if a day of that... was repeated ad infinitum....that would be like purgatory ...but there literally hypothetically would never be an end to it......which leads me to question 2) purgatory. you stay in there- mull over your life and your decisions .... and eventually go to Heaven? or are there also some people in purgatory-- they mull over their lives ...never get to a morally just conclusion...and then do they go to Hell? ....And if Heaven and Hell are just states of mind/ states of the Earth ...is that some kind of metaphor for our lives?!?!
5) problems with adderall:
1) horniness
2) if there's no driving event for the day I dont want to get up, I dont want to have to choose what I sshould or am going to do.
3) candy crush for hours, computer for hours, avoiding going out.
4)one-track mind. event/accomplishment driven mind. I can't even engage with another individual.
5) convo/social inhibition.
3:49 PM 11/21/2014
also; i want to stay on adderall - it is manageable. it is not perfect but it is manageable... if i'm able to learn a few skillfests.... like, before class today- that was not a good plan, going back to bed- couldve gotten to class late or worse, skipped it completely.so thats a malicious habit to highlight.
with strattera, i can foresee myself....just hating it. perhaps lets try ...cuz i want to live how i want to live..... and what if I CWCMS doesnt work out.... glee, do i still feel comfortable seeing her?
WHICH is definitely something to bring up to Drew (in 2.5 horus) .
ask: so how long do you keep ppl as patients? things are kind of uncomfortable with my current dr/nurse practitioner ...i mean, this problem has been ongoing for several years but i always felt uncomfortable bringing it up to her. at one time, probably a year after first seeing her i was going to bring it up but (of course) was uncomfortable to actually say it once i was in her office so i never brought it up and that set the precedence. and, a couple years after that ...things had gotten bad enough and i was going to say somethign but once again, i shyed away. i rationalized it. told myself i could manage.
? how am i going to org. these writings? well, i'll type them (the stuff i gather or read from my notbook) into a new notepad or word doc.
3:43 PM 11/21/2014 i was tempted jsut now but whatmade me change my mind is the replay of the convo rach and i had twenty minutes ago before she took her nap on the couch, --debating whether to nap in bed or on the couch, Rachel decides the couch cuz that way i can use my laptop...Rach says, "but how do i know you won't look at porn anyway" and i answered "C'mon." the certainty in which i said that about how ridiculously far-fetched of a notion that was -- that's what made me change my mind when i was tempted.
incidentally, that whole thought in my head --yes, it was quite the important thought and it was actually a ...battling thought ...a reversing of my decision making functions....--- but that thought, the feeling that no way was i looking at pron when i said "c'mon" seemed quite incidental at the time, but im glad i wrote it down and im actually compiling-ill compile whatever is kinda sorta insightful, dump it onta a fresh notey and email it and BOOM!!!!
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3:28 PM 10/7/2014
to cope, i am obviously just chanting/typign prayers, being open in my interactions (as such Marcus), and sitting out in the driveway and being open to the moment- i was looking for a sign to know when i was open to the moment...the wind blew softly the ygold leafs across the black parking lot.... and it was like a movie and i was like, ok, this is it. this is it. 3:30 PM 10/7/2014 i need to be ok in the moment. if not ok, aware. now that ive calmed into it, i can be ..feel not ok, but still be open to the moment and not flinch....actually, i feel pretty darn at ease at the moment..so its hard to say whether i would be ok with being open even if i was feeling how i felt this morning. 3:32 PM 10/7/2014 is journaling the precursor to telling my tale to glee- it would certainly be thorough--- wouldnt i be able to paint my situatiion in broad strokes even without that cumulative info? basically, anxiety... and without structure i just kind of collapse (name specifics) but as of now, as of current, with the structure of my classes i am coping. im not doing spectacular but i am doing ok but i do get thrown off by weekends away...so, eventually, i would like to stop adderall- becuase it is such a double edged sword -- i don't don't think i'd be able to devote even half of the brain muscle i need to conquer my complicated work BUT with it.... it morphs me into a braindead zombie ...50% of the time, probably more-- why? because it stresses my body out being on it.! tahts why subconsciously i just collapse if i dont HAVE to do something a priority. 3:37 PM 10/7/20143:42 PM 10/7/2014 took rosa to bella, talked to James.
3:43 PM 10/7/2014 3:45 PM 10/7/2014 ill put computer, keyboard, bahai prayer book back in the apt. then ill put on flipflops and walk rosa to the creek. when rachel gets home, we can talk- chit chat but then i probably gotta go to Hebelar. probably maybe definitely.... or at least the library so i can start reading the textbook! math, math lets say i leave until 9pm. then ill read ch 2 and review the notes. ffkbefore... 3:47 PM 10/7/2014 before i go to Hebelar I want to take a shower and make something for myself to eat such as PBJ. ... i feel like i should SHOULD go shopping at fredMeyers to get chicken luncheon meat with Rachel when she gets home in an hour... but perhaps not, it would be better if she goes by herself- and i, already showered and ready to go Go to Hebelar and start work working on my Prog 1 lab. DUN DUN DUN. aye, i was going to take rose for a jog. a walk. i was gonna, then shower and prepare.... bUT 3:50 PM 10/7/2014` but also, i never really wrote what i was going to write to Glee... how i need to constantly struggle to keep my head calm and leveled and not fretting about mundane upcoming tasks with no self-confidence. of course, i need to mention to her my smoking habits. when i get home from school before or after lunch and in the next few hours of downtime i smoke 0 to 3 more times. then rachel gets home and i help her make dinner or do hw or we watch BBAus. 3:53 PM 10/7/2014 and i went to the DR and they wanted your verification in so they can have accountability if the state or feds ever autit them. I also need a release of records to my new Eburg dr because i want him to do a general check up and i want to see if he can ok me to see a psychologist or something,,, what i want to try a "guided- transitional 'face your phobia' real life thingin. 3:57 PM 10/7/2014 --------------------------
1:33 PM 10/10/2014
its like
1:37 PM 10/10/2014
its like, its like. its like. i am worried that i always must remain religous and spiritual yet i do not always have that with me...
like, im stressed right now, and i know the best thing that i know to do is to not take a nap, or play candycrush, or surf the net..no, the best thing to do is to sit out here and clear my head. the problem is, i need to feel safe out here-- there's ppl walking by and im mildly high so ive got to say a protective prayer to protect an outer bubble of peace love and kindness around this space from the patio out to the ends of the closer parking lines in the driveway where rosa is lying sunbathing next to marcus' car. jenna/james just got back but i feel so sad, so sad i don't even wanna say hi. its
1:41 PM 10/10/2014
1:45 PM 10/10/2014 gonna lie down inside
2:29 PM 10/10/2014 gonna go on survivor sucks and kill some time even tho i feel like i can finally bulletpoint the crap i gotta do today into bulletpoints and
doing needless bullshit like im doing now
esp, when im finally realizing some of my triggers and motivations and coping methods.... grrrr... 2:30 PM 10/10/2014
2:50 PM 10/10/2014 released some energy.
and now its like: now what? this posture is pretty comfy but my neck will get sore assuredly. let me spew out some tasks ive been thinking of but first: its ten to three () fifteen;00 () i should go to bed by/ at midnight ()22;00)_ thats seven hours to do stuff with. tasks:
journal () ten/three was friday- i woke up early to do a quiz i hadnt done, didnt finish three questions ... ten/two thursday -- that night i didnt work on the quiz cuz i decided to camp out in the guestroom ... oh yeah, after cs301 i met rachel in the surc, i wasnt so keen to socialize but i was getting distracted so then i came home and wasted time and i guess i continued to waste time all night and then the next day i quickly did the quiz i had to do. went to math and then came right home and i was productive. after five, rachel's parents picked us up in the rental car ... i was already in the parking lot chilling with rosa when they pulled up, i was getting into meditation. i think i walked rosa while listening to shakti that afternoon. and i bought some shake.
Saturday 10/4. i reviewed math in front of the tv for awhile .... i meditated outside and listened to the neighbors music... then i got distracted from my hw by the monty hall problem on mythbusters then i played candycrush and went to bed in a bad mood i guess and i called rachel lazy ...bleh... then the next day SUnday 10/5 basically sucked altho i stayed calm through medi / the long ride in the car to Spokane. at Davids i just put my head down b/ween my legs cuz football was on and i was not looking forward to the day. we went to davids bridal and i went into best buy and was not in a good mood, i sat down and watched monsters vs aliens.... then grandma sharon gave me a card with a generous check :) and then we went to red robin and i didnt really talk much cuz it was noisy and i was at the end of the table. then we drove home, all the way to eburg. when we got home we watched the 3 episodes of big brother oz we had missed and then went to bed.
Monday 10/6. i felt really thrown off by the weekend away cuz i hadn't had a chance to do any chores, food prep for the coming week, much studying done... i reluctantly went to class, i medi'd before hand. cs301 especially i wasnt paying much attention. then i came home, medi'd and chilled and got in the zone basically and was very very very productive, didnt even see jakes elimination. i stayed from 19;00 to 2;00 am ten/7s Tuesday. i didnt end up being able to sleep but i listened to music and was in good spirits. i went to class two hours early and saw prof lof at his office hours and he helped me with arraylists and then i went to math and back to cs301.. then i got home and was so tired i went to bed and then i missed the math study session at the library at eight so i was like crap. i kept on sleeping and then. Wednesday 10/8 i did not feel like doing crap! i didnt go to classes, didnt do nothing, didnt even want to take care of rachel and her cold and go grocery shopping.
Thursday, today, 10/9 ... very reluctant to go to classes again. kept on hiting snooze. got to class fifteen minutes late.... couldnt even think in 301 lab, turned in a very incomplete project 1. got home, stressed, smoked, sat out and tried to meditate but i felt sensitive enough i wanted to come in, i ate half a bagel, spooned with rach for a bit, but then i felt crappy, came in here to guest room, 2;30 to 2;50. then i wrote this and its
3:09 PM 10/10/2014. but what do you know... ive got hw, chores, nutrition, stretch, spirituality whatever, and i feel crappy again!
3:19 PM 10/10/2014 rosas growlig at me
3:29 PM 10/10/2014 finished. heart rate raised... i think to clear my ehad is best.
3:50 PM 10/10/2014took rosa for alittle walk. out front and down the st to the condos and back. then i got back and sat down on this back chair in the guesst room. rosa started grwoling at me again. i started thinking of all the crap i have to do and whether .5 add will push me too far stressfull or if it will help me succeed, either way, i need something to eat with it. .......................
4:16 PM 10/10/2014
took .5, ate radish, went out and frisbeed in parking lot, i felt pretty loose, started to feel more tense by the end. i was thinking about emailing glee and telling her that im seriously considering discontinuing adderall but but but... im still not totally comfortable with that idea. it makes me super stressed. it makes me feel depleted. it makes me into a one track minded zealot/ddict. it doesnt actually give me much energy.
4:18 PM 10/10/2014 i must say, i took a sip of beer and now i feel tingly and loose which might also be an after effect of the throwing frisbee exercise i had. im thinking maybe another .5 but ive got to eat crap first. its
4:19 PM 10/10/2014
what ive got to do:
math, clean kitchen, cs301, shwoer, eat, email glee/ compile notes, OY! i hate it, stretch. meditate.
4:21 PM 10/10/2014 to eat ill have ; beer, meat n onions, radishes, yogurt.
11:11 PM 10/11/2014 im going to do what i like to do best, just sti here and think. 11:12 PM 10/11/2014 i am just stitt9jg at the desk tapping my fingers. wouldnt mind taking a jog tonight, or reading math ch 2 & 3 so i understand the content. thats many many hours of work right there though, and if i didd just that tonight and understaood the math at the end of tht night that would be totally worth it. but therees other things i want t o do of course. ....housework. eh, just kinda because this house looks like decay...not really, but it could use a tidying up..... dusting, sweeping, ..... and theres another bit of hw to do. maybe im just at a too low a dose of adderall in the morning time for it to really behoove my brain but ti cant rush into it either because ...i think in some ways i have grown up because i wouldve never been able to tell gllee my habits wit th this degree of detail.... maybe i couldve snippets but i never reveiw my writeings and notes, i oculd learn alot from them but dont. whatevs. i will 2night probably tho. other hw, ive got a couple a few cs textbook pages to skim thorugh. this is all so sexciting and writing about it makes it not so bad, makes me half excited to start. but then its like? : start where? Should i tidy up my dsk first? should i take a jog to start my brain.? shold i power on and do math. because ive got to kinda build through a long long day to the dose of add where i feel like i can power through complicated hw. so, in finality, i really really got to stop adderalll. yet , i am afraid of the academic consequences... i have no faith in my ability to learn and focus without it. of course, in reality its not that usefull 80 % of the time. and i feeel like its pattersn of use has made me so dysfunctional. so, it's not like i can just stop. i need to stop and have some sort of therapy or something! i want t o shave tonight.... well, ive11:23 PM 10/11/2014 got alot of material... i should probably email glee, first a general, and then a more specific, or maybe in the frist i can inclued the reaso why i didnt go early spetember, i was stressed and we were going to get started late because rach an i had a meeting with a a wedding planner at 2. one of my biggest gripes is how add makes me plaster stone cut- not able to joke, jsut be stiff.11:26 PM 10/11/2014 it makes my body stiff and tesnse as well.
11:32 PM 10/11/2014 a brief history of tdoay , my birthday. i went to the lib last night and went over the quiz and kinda realized i didnt understand this shit and maybe missing on wednesday wasnt a good idea.... i reluctantly went to classs that day, came home and collapsed . 4 the time being and reluctanly went to study session, played candy crush at the lib, then came home and was sad and went to bed and i woke up this morn , my birthday, i woke up at 6 actually, i made an egg, watched big brother, cleaned up the kitchen a bit,. i went back to bed, then i took a shower. actually i took a morning and evening shit today and took a morning shit the last few days so its interesting that while the rest of my body mind and spirit seem to be falling apart im shitting on schedule for onces. so yeah, this morn, took .5 at five am.... .5 when i got home after math. i just kinda went to sleep then played games. i took .5 at after dinner. 5; 30 pm i. i took .5 at 10;30 pm. so now its 11:37 PM 10/11/201 and i smoked at 10;30. i think i feel good now, im att the desk and sitting up straight but not exactly strong ,, kinda brittle, i was feeling light headed when i was standing up earlier but now im sitting so ive got more energy. i want to imagine my life being fnctionable without add medication. like, i'd be talking with people in my classes nad not stresssed, not to stressed to even make eye contact. not having to be chanting prayers under my breath as i bike toschooll. 11:39 PM 10/11/2014
thinking of juggling but i dont feel that good. math? ew....
11:48 PM 10/11/2014 im pondering another .5, just ate half a banana, then take rosa for a little juant, then transcribe some of my notes..... i think transcribing notes and transcribing from the tesxt is pretty good tactices. i kinda need my energy boosted so im gonna do that . baruch atah adonai eloheinu melech haolam. deer Lord, please guide me and protect me. Amen.
11:54 PM 10/11/2014 rosa went to bed so i might just go and jog. my back feels eally stiff. . as far as reparing my habits and functioning without, i dont even know where to begin. i wish i could just learn the rest of my classes materials tonight. do it all tonight. and then retain taht info until the test or assigmnemetn where ineeed to use it. 11:56 PM 10/11/2014feeling chilly dont know if i want t osmke, .5 , or jog.... maybe get my seat lifter thing from my car. GRAR. getting frustrated cuz im thinkinking of going home on tuesday and feeling sorry for myself..."im having mental health issues. i a little baby. wah." boo. if i exercise before i work i wont have to worry about my back seizing up wile im furiously studying math and computer science. it might take the edge of toff this tiredness.... i gues ss i could try that nad work from home tonightl Im also thininking how it was frustrating going away to spokane last weekend, how it threw my whole routine offf. i dont know i dont know how to envision my lfie from a wider perspective, because when i thinking of deeling with that kind of situation again ... it stresses me out, with or without add. 11:59 PM 10/11/2014
10/12/2014 eaging; my chex. i feel like theres always an upcoming event that i dread. be it a dr appt, a hw or test, and i dread it and procrastinaate and then the last few days i marathon through and i geniunely feel like im putting my best foot forward but then i go back home and the pressure is off of me and im back into a blob and then an anxious dude.
1:49 AM 10/12/2014 my low mid back /spine is really hurting. i wasnt even really active today. i stayed in bed mostly from noon to ten pm. .... welp, i set down my chex, im going to smoke, take .5 then listen to music, chill, nap, then get back up and go at ti!
2:30 AM 10/12/2014 hello. oh boy i am down on the ground of the guest room at the foot of the bed in child pose kinda i guress, a little spraining on my shoulders viea myelbows and also my weists whcich made me prop up on my elbows first. i was just lying in n bed listening to a rap song. i was going alowng with t the music, it wasnt my fav but i was , taht made the music me not too invested in it. then i layed. yeah, i layed still. and then stretch ed my back which made the bed squek but felt good and was good exercised nut it struck me some ppl are out there living amazing lives and im in here do;ing repetive body movements to stretch my back on a bed while i zone out.... trying not to too overboard. 2:33 AM 10/12/2014
i 2:34 AM 10/12/2014 i am nin oow pose right now ai could just do yoga all night and id be fine.
2:44 AM 10/12/2014 sitting on the far corner of the guest room bed and tehe screen i s bright and i am doing good. i am happy to have tonight, to chronickle my thoughts. to get rid of this aching body. i just had a fight between my mind and my body. my mind: i am doing productive things with this all nighter. ai am going to accomplish things and feel better about myself. and loosen up my body! my body: i showered thsi morning before 11am class, but i smelled like bleach and i thought i bet it would tire me out and looosen up the muscles in my back and shoulders and nec. my mind: no! i do not want a shot of opiods! its not good for tonights cause!!!!!!!!
2:55 AM 10/12/2014 imma eat the rest of my soggy cereal. i am going to expend some physical exercise to get my body unified and flowing , aight? cuz right nwo im hunching and pinching myself in in an awkward ways, like my head --leftear to left shoulder. my inciors bowed left or right. i have to lean back i n the chair with my head against the headrest for me to be even be able to bow my low mid spine out into an s shape. thats where i can displace my own wieight, cuz i guess i dont have the energy to support my own weight with my backbone. frowney face emojicon. 2:58 AM 10/12/2014
3:26 AM 10/12/2014 about social circle expansion.... dont be afrai -not emotional cheerios . righ? ... ok, so i said that prayer declaraiton and then i just stretched my back hunched with my arms forward on my knees and i felt the pain relieve itself halleluyah@! then i started thinking what woud it be like communticating /socializing with classmates. basically, i know theres nothing wrong with that but what about the cute ones? or how to even chit chat in general or have a light or at least lighter aura and personality. 3:30 AM 10/12/2014 ive should start on math study scoon!!! if i can. should i try an ibuprofen.?
3:41 AM 10/12/2014 just pulsated my spine and posture in the bathroom mirror again, this time just facing the mirror. i dont know why, when i was in that alexander technique class, i couldnt just take off my shirt and explain that when i hold my posture with my chest out and shoulders down and relaxed it starts to send pangs down (mostly right side-ish) of my mid back@! so then i sink to a sunken chest, shoulders up position. and im starting to get aggro that i havent started my math yet. i think i ll take an ibuprofen to get some of the pain out. after some math ill eat and take a bath. i need to find a comfortable position to do my maths.
3:46 AM 10/12/2014 put aways some coats, organized hall closet coats. :D
ufortunately whenever i sit it kills my back im learning forward on the bed right now, the omnly things its hurting is my left wwrist.
3:50 AM 10/12/2014 took 200 mg of advil(ibuprofen). maybe i should move my computer and math bakc out to the living room. maybe i need to take a power nap ? _? or would a shave and a bath be in order or a shower.? 3:56 AM 10/12/20143:56 AM 10/12/20143:56 AM 10/12/2014 i was going to shave but eended up jsut staring in the mirror!
3:58 AM 10/12/2014 perhaps eat, jog, then shave and shower. then math and cs of course!_!
4:00 AM 10/12/2014 from writing i just laid right back in this bed. uh oh. my mind is tired and my body is weak :(
4:05 AM 10/12/2014 describe waht i was doin the last five minutes: i layed back on the guest bed. my legs, from mid thigh and kneepits to my shoed feet touching , planted firly on the ground (they are now just heels touching, wich -- on long roadtrips also start hurting) are off the end of the bed. my mid back is laying snuggly on top of the bunched red blanked. my right hand, scrubbing the end against leftthign. 3 glimps in math was all it took to get me entranced. then i sat up to chronicle that. it will definitely be difficult not to go back to that. now im not doing that though and i didnt want to do that. so im going to get up and maybe shave? instead of eat, jog, shave... 4:09 AM 10/12/2014
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1:12 AM 10/25/2014 i think a 'structural detail' weakness i have is that 10 times out of 10, i will never be able to complete/accomplish everything that i would like to. even when my expectations are not too high. it is because, i need to spend time ... being up and moving but letting my brain rest...kinda. like, i am staying up later tonight to do my projees ... but for the moment, a few mintues ago, i ate a granola bar and glass of milk in the kitchen and rosa was dancing for granola and then i let my upper body hang for a couple minutes so my torso was hanging in front of my legs.... and then i had the thought that a major weakness of mine is that i will never be ...able to finish all that my black hole of an ego\
essence in essaence 1:22 AM 10/25/2014 essence in essence i knwo taht things change. as they stay the same. and yes, that's contradictory and that's mystic but there's truth to it- complicated to capture truth and that's why i am not elaborating on it. alright1:24 AM 10/25/2014 as of now, i don't want a change in meds, i'm walking from the livign room to hall, back and forth, and thinking, if i need more of a backstretch or even arm muscle strenuation - that i can just go to the floor right in front of me and do push ups or just let my upper body relax down. and i have it all. BUT- those (probably just as many) days that i'm "off" ... they're not good. well, ...fairly pain-free for most of the day, cuz im sleeping , playing candy mania and podcasting, or on sucks .. but then, reality presses in on me.
im meeting ppl i like-- iguess cuz im finally coming a bit out of my shell-- and , but, what should i do: say to them- "do you want to be friends with me?" ---like i did in KIndergarten! I remember my mom suggesting that i do that-- and it totally worked! i think, after a week of kindergarten, after school my mom was kinda asking me if i had friends in the class- i said "idont know" and she asked "is there anyoen in the class taht you like:?" and i thought - that walter kid seems cool... so i said "walter" and she said "well, tomorrow, just walk up to him and ask him if he wants to be your friend. i want to remember how i first became friends with nick. and then i became best friends with Ryan for the final couple months of first grade.
1:32 AM 10/25/2014 ?smoke? but i want to be clear on what i want to do when i get back in.
5:13 AM 10/25/2014 should i: Awake. or, listen to music in bed? if i choose Awake, tho, I must choose to do an activity that is not stressing on my body, mind , or spirt! WHOO! im rocking left and right baby! ok, so, at nine-ish i might go out to st.Vincents, Goodwill, NaturalFoods..... thats in four heuras. alrighty... 5:16 AM 10/25/2014 after i wrote the preceding, i opened chrome,,,adn then realized i couldnt think of anything that i needed or wanted to do on the computer so i turned away from it and gazed in the direction of the backwall and bookshelf and sat, popped my shoulder a bit, thought thoughts, and jjust felt pretty good. SO I'm gonna try to do more of that in the next oncoming seconds, minutes, and maybe even hours. 5:19 AM 10/25/2014
3:12 AM 10/30/2014
aight, so that was early wednesday morning. on that day i missed math and powered thru midterm and then i was so sleep deprived...
.thursday...i was kinda disconnected and alone in the cs301 lab. then i had a dr's appt, i was geared up right before two as i was about to leave then hecka nervous/uncomfy at the appt, then i went to bimart and then i collapsed at home and i ended up missing the quiz review at the surc at 8... friday, hallowween. lazy day.. saturday,nov 1. toady, lazy day. ;I(l
7:42 PM 11/2/2014 crap. i am add. i am alone. i am not in control. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NICK: We need to get our minds right and start believing.
BILLY: This reminds me of a little girl who had to start believing. A little girl from a steel town who had the dream to dance. No one believed in that little welder girl, but thank God she believed in herself.
STYLES: Are you talking about "Flashdance"? The movie from the '80's?
BILLY: You're damn right I am! That's exactly what I'm talking about. The deck was stacked against Alex. You know how she overcame those odds? By believing in herself and trying. She literally had to become a maniac!
Nick: Have any of you been called a maniac, maybe because you were a little different?
Yo-Yo: My mom calls me a maniac every night when I tell her I love her.
Nick: Of course she does, Yo-Yo! You are a little bit...in a good way!
NICK: Well, guess what? They called Bill Gates a maniac, too.
BILLY: No question.
TAHI: Yeah- I don't think anyone called him a maniac.
NICK: I just called him a maniac.
BILLY: You guys, you guys- we're getting off the point. She had to strip down to nothing! She had to sit in that chair, arch her back, and she pulled that chain to nowhere and doused herself with water!
NICK: And where did that water come from?
BILLY: Who knows?!
NICK: It came from her belief it was there!
BILLY: She believed so hard, she found herself with an audition with those stuffed shirts at the dance school. And she spun. Ooooh, and she spun. And she spun and she spun and she spun herself into that dance school! And into our hearts. Now, in the second half of whatever the hell you guys call this game...can't we all just be that little welder girl who wants to be something more? -Now look, I know you're not excited we're on your team. But we're here. Guys- we're in this thing together. So I'm asking you, believe in yourselves. Believe in each other. Let's put on our leg warmers and let's dance our asses off.
Nick: Come here, you little lovable maniacs. Get in here. ......
......
itnternship. time: 1:44:19seconds
BILLY: You know who else it didn't go well for?
STYLES: Lay it on us, big daddy.
BILLY: That's right,that little steel town girl, Alex. When she finally got her shot in front of all those stuffed shirts, she took a tumble and fell. But you want to hear something totally nuts- she picked herself back up and she tightened that little ass, pumped hers legs and she danced herself right back into their hearts and into a slot at that dance school. And that's what we're going to do.
SCENE: in Sal's Pizzeria
SAL: Listen guys, we've always done things the same way: Yellow Pages, flyers, San Jose Mercury News.
BILLY: Well We're all creatures of habit, am I right Sal? I mean, we all like what we know, there's no question. But you know what the scariest thing in life is? The thing in life that frightens us the most? Change.
NICK: And by the way, I think most people are set in their ways (CHUCKLES) I know I need to change to come along and give me a little kick in the ass to get moving.
SAL: Alright- listen guys, I know where you're going (SIGHS) But I'm not changing anything. Like I alread told your friends, we're getting by okay.
BILLY: Sal, if you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them. You're getting by okay.
NICK: Ok isn't good.
BILLY: I mean, ok isn't great, it isn't fantastic.
NICK: I'm starting to think he's selfish! I don't want to get sideways with you but you're as big as a barn! You look like you could be carved out of a mountian, for God's sake! But you're an artist! This is great pizza! Picasso with pepperoni!
BILLY: And don't even get me started on the sauce...
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Nelly: FIrst, I'll take down the cubicle walls. Symbol of transparency..And no titles. Everyone has the same job. Same goes for me... I'll take your job, but reject your title.
Gabe: That's a little unspecific...
Nelly:Everyone will be known for their accomplishment..
Jim: That's very interesting...I could see a bit of a conflict there..?..And, if a conflict did arise how would that be resolved?
Nelly: Oh...Yeah...(Smile and head nod) hmmm... (Serious face) Scratch everything from before- I'll tell you what I'd do. Go the other way. More cubicles. More division.. Everyone, is somebodies boss. And that person can fire the person below them. And once a month, the lowest performing person ::makes throatcut motion and sound:: Bye-bye.
Gabe: How do you compare somebody from accounting to someone from HR...?
Nelly: I'll tell you how...I'll tell you how...By splitting the difference. ..sOMewhere in the middle..
Jim: that's probably enough...
Nelly: Zen off-ice! ::Expectantly leans forward and smiles:: Hmmm? Yoga? That's what I do. See, everyone takes their shoes off,, before they come in, ok, they'll be no desks...just sit on the floor... They'll be a Thai woman out the back. ..SUK-EE...
Gabe: Ok, that's enough
Nelly: SOCK-EE. ...Sock-Ee is her name. Ok? She's administering massage, alright? If you need it. If you don't- then whatever, just talk to her she's a person. Either way, after fifteen minutes of that
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