160619

7:46 AM 6/16/2016

haven't masturbated since Friday. That's five days. Monday I ran on the second trail- Sammi couldn't go when I stopped by at 7;45 because he had work.
Tuesday I woke at 6;30 so we could go running, Sammi had to be back at 7;15 so we ran for twenty minutes on the first trail.
Wednesday Sammi wouldnt wake up. I ran the first whole trail. whole first trail.
Thursday I woke at 6;15, I got to sammi's, he opened the window, i thought he was coming but he went back to sleep, he goes go without me and i'm like now, i've been waiting for you i thought you were getting dressed, so he says ok. i waited for another seven minutes and i knocked on his window again but he was out of his room and then i left. trying to train him in my own way to come along or i'll leave. i do need him though. it takes two to keep to a schedule. and this schedule is good. a run in the morning and some activities in the morning let's me relax for the rest of the day. So I ran for about a half an hour on the first trail, we ran two the first triple beam, and then walked and turned around shortly after that. I saw Hope's husband, he's handsome, seems to be in good shape, looks to be about 40. I really had this vision that I would be going to the gym this summer but after i take my nap at one and wake up at 3 or 4 I'm tired for the night. I'm tucked in for the late afternoon and evening and night. I've been going to bed at a reasonable time so i can wake up early. My body is able tor rest just fine. A three hour nap and then sleeping from 10 to 6. that's eleven hours average. rachel sleeps about twelve hours. she takes her nap about an hour after mine but when i wake up i wake her up. she goes to bed about the same time and she sleeps in two hours after me. today i got home from my jog/walk, i smoked, and i sat down and journaled which i am doing now. i think i'll get some breakfast, smoke more and chillax. does chillax egual read? maybe read in bed, nah, read while lying on the couch. chillax for some time and then call bimart. then, ...go shopping, or go to the library and really print out some resumes and make a game plan drive around to different places and hand out my resume and fill out the application. it's important for me to write this out because it mentally helps me prepare. i can imagine going to saks, what were they hiring? dishwasher, kitchen staff?

10:35 AM 6/16/2016

ate oatmeal, salad, chicken chunks, cookie and milk.

i read. i talked to rachel. i ate. i looked up about ota benga. i looked up about louis theroux.

core awakening exercise routine

7:06 PM 6/19/2016

i have my ...audiotape recorder on me in case i have a note to myself and i don't have to be in front of the computer but silent typing is better right now. i ...uh, smoked when we got back from rachel's. at 5;10 i took 7.5 mg's of adderall. smoked weed. listened to music. got up and paced and thought about jesus, to try accepting hime and seeing if i felt his force as i walked back and forth the bathroom, looking at my posture, feeling that weakness in the mid back, tension in the shoulders, weakness in the thighs, tuck in of the butt, so i thought i could relate , bring up jesus to feel better, i think i got distracted from that thought tho. i want to talk about church this morning. well first of all, at wal mart, i was feeling more horny than usual. then usual lately. so that's where my head is at today. but all that went away at church. we got there early and i grabbed a drum and sat and thumped to the worship songs. i really enjoyed, it helped me connect. i went up to worship at the end. i wanted help with, prayer for: to sop thinking so much. follow the lords path. give me confidence and strenght in finding a job. but i got up there and the first thing wayne asked me is "first of all, do you accept jesus into your life" and i said "i don't know" and he said " listen to me, the only way i can help you is if you accept jesus into your life" "and i said, well..." i eventually said, I need to think about it. I want to read the bible at least before I follow my gut with what feels right for me. or what feels right in a cosmic, unobjective way. just truth, i will be lookijg for truth. because i have pride in my judiasm. and i feel like i would be letting down my dad if i converted, or more so, if i accepted jesus into my heart. at half time i talked with danni, he fixed up a backhoe which is cool. nate talked about marriage, who it's good and you get some until you don't. whoa. he was with that crazy cathy chick. they were together, married, and a few months later divorced. i talked with samuel as well. he said he started off, 1965 to 1970 as a baptist. then he went to three pentecoastal meetings and changed. he said that last year as a baptist he was crying every sunday at church. what a spiritual guy. i wonder if he spends like a time every few hours thanking god, worshiping. anyway, i'm horny. i'm hoping to get some a little after rachel wakes up. it has been uh 9 days since i've masturbated. and what is keeping me is that when i masturbate again, then when i am in my normal life, my mind fleets to wanting to masturbate. and i don't want those wayward compulsions. they are defeating. distracing and defeating, self-defeating. its 7;19 i wish rachel would wake up. i dont even want to worry about what i have to do tomorrow but i'll write it out: at 6;15 im waking up, going to sammi's, and running. that brings me to 7;10. financial aid opens at 8. ay, so, something to do in that time is breakfast, breakfast on campus. look up the math 130 book. i was thinking of buying game of thrones for my kindle on amazon. i think i'll take rosa for a walk if rachel keeps sleeping or just something to pass the time a little bit. put on a t-shirt and some shoes. typing, ah, thyping. anyway, i go running first thing. at eight i go to financial aid. i get the fourh thousand in financial aid. tell them i need to do something i need to do something because i need them to give me a decision, why would they vetoe for summer when i was asking for spring. i would rather have spring paid for because the money was distrubeted...fight for it, dont' be grateful. dont be humble. get that grant. switch it around if i have to, is that feasible, "give me spring and I'll pay for summer" ? i guess i should save this doc. i could also look what other docs are on this compute. but i also want to touch my dick so maybe i should get off the computer asap. maybe just save this because i thought about going through my old files and shit and my brain went "well, while you're on the computer why don't you log onto the internet, find porn, and get your dick off. uh, no thanks. uh, does it hurt my brain refusing temptation? why yes, yes it does. it is ....frightening. but, i can say its not distrubing its not frightening because it brimngs balance to my life, it braings happiness to my lfie. should i smoke more, that is what i was deciding. the amount of adderall i took, that has been decided, but the amount of weed i smoke, do i want to get high as of this time, well, what i'm hoping to do coming up is to take rosa for a walk and get some sex from rachel. uh i gotta get up there is no choice, get out of the house i would suspect! 7:27 PM 6/19/2016

2:19 AM 6/20/2016

i did it. masturbated. i paced for seventy minutes and then i masturbated.

Sun 6/19/16 21;02    melatonin? audio voice? Super 8 tomorrow, financial aid, class, oil can henry's, yakima. .5 or try to sleep tonight? melatonin and sleep aid? I took a sleep aid at 9:06. no more horny thoughts. I'm moving toward the future after takaing that proactive action. Good.

12;04 pacing cuz i can't sleep. Let energy slide out. get tape recorder.

12;16 just keep walking, don't sit down. boiling tea.

12;30 pacing '
12;56 pacing for fifty minutes.
1;06  one hour pacing. but now i'm thinking alot about masturbating, running scenerios. Maybe just tell myself to stop? How much longer am I pacing/ when can I be able to fALL asleep?
1;11  temptation continues. a part of me wants to sit down and open up the laptop....Ay...aight, ;]when i pace for seventy-five minutes. l
1;15  I smoked. Do i still want to do it? journal afterword (I am). five thousand, two hundred and sixty-five steps.
2;19 masturbated
2;27 journaled

next: log in to blogger.

if i can't sleep maybe i should take .5, if i can't sleep I might as well smoke. smoke and adderall. hmmm, that should keep me comfortable until I wake up at six am, go to sammis and go running. yay, running. then i'm going to , maybe pick up an application at super 8, well, maybe after the trail come to the apartment, drop off rose and get an application from motel 8, OR ELSE:: PRepare some references so I'll have them on my .... on my.... UH, yes,,, ok,,,,ok..... what am I talking about? oh well. I should talk about my day on Saturday. I helped Wayne clean out a storage unit. It was raining, pouring. We dropped the trash at the dump. We went to Mc'Ds. We went home, I felt like a nap but we went to HarboR Freight in Wenatchee, SUe, rachel, and I sat in the car and rested. Then, we went to Fred meyer and bought sausage, cheese, corn on the cob, pretzels and we ate it outside in the backyard that Wayne has made until a cool little place. man, he can create. it is borderline amazing. it's amazing. ok, i should post on blogger right? ugh, yea.

Unfortunately, although it's only been sixteen minutes, i feel like masturbating again. whooo, should i take a pill, should i take a puff, should i lie down. should i rise up? hmmm, should i flip a coin. it just seems hard getting through the night sober. it seems, uh, like I'll be sitting in front of the computer. Will the adderall actually have the opposite effect like it sometimes has and help me fall asleep? Only one way to find out. Try it. Smoke, smoke pill. It's 2;38 AM, 6/20/16.